Michael's Monthly Column "Throwing My Loop"

Throwing My Loop…    

By:  Michael Johnson   


     Hold on to your hats, brothers and sisters – there’s been another major discovery at Johnson Farms!  Yes, the line is long for important stuff we’ve discovered here at Johnson Pharmaceutical Labs – which you will be relieved to know is completely separate from the chicken house operation - but this one may shoot us to the top. Me and Pepe Suarez and Enrique Corrvarubius – two top hands here on the farm - have once again brought something of critical importance into the world.
     Loyal fans may remember previous inventions such as the “Perfect Cheeseburger” – secret was to make everything on the burger not thicker, but thinner.  Then there was the “Perfect Chicken-Fried Steak.”  That one came about ‘cause one of our buddies lifted a temp gun from the local plant where he worked, and Bingo - no more mushy crust!  Temp gun lets you know the exact temperature of the oil which results in perfect crispy every time.  Chicken fried and satisfied!  ‘Course all of you remember the ultra-famous “ABLD SALVE.”  That wonderful cream that could cure your doofus teen-ager son or daughter of Alien Brain Lock Disorder.  Our best seller by far to date.
     It’s been an exciting and rewarding series of events, but now we just might have something even better.  We’re calling it Miracle AIRUGO!  Doesn’t that sound cool?  Let me tell you about it…
     We were sitting around talking and I said, “You know, we need to come up with a phrase that says it all.”
     Pepe’s eating a big chicken salad sandwich and with a mouth full of chicken, celery, and onions, he starts nodding his head real fast and then he mumbles something like, “Airugoph.”
      I said, “What?  What did you say?”
     He swallows and says, “I said ‘Airugo.’  Means I agree with you.  Means you did something good.”
     We all looked at each other and knew we had it!  But here’s the kicker - we had no idea how good it really was.  Since that day we have developed and refined the concept and now think we just might have something of unlimited potential.  Here are some examples…
     Let’s say your grandmother falls (God forbid, but let’s just say) and breaks her hip.  She’s okay, but she naturally has to go to rehab.  First day is rough.  She’s crying and everything, but then she takes her first step on the walker.  At that moment - as loud as you can - you yell… “AIRUGO, Grandma!”  Watch her face light up!
     Miracle AIRUGO can be used in an unlimited number of situations.  You can even use it with your son playing Little League.  If the kid hits a home run, double, single, walks or even if he’s hit by a pitch, doesn’t matter.  You just stand up and scream – like all dads do at Little League games – “AIRUGO, son!”  And watch that kid smile.  What would you expect to pay for such an amazing product?  Five hundred dollars?  Maybe even a thousand dollars?  But wait!  There’s more… 

     Miracle AIRUGO is odorless, tasteless, weighs nothing, can be used by young and old alike - and can even be taken on airplanes!  AIRUGO never needs painting and comes with a lifetime guarantee not to fade.  AIRUGO also comes complete with a universal word adapter on both ends!  For example, you can say, “Attaboy” – nod head vigorously – then using the universal connector, simply attach, “AIRUGO” after saying, “Attaboy.”  You can even say, “AIRUGO” first if you want, then use “Attaboy.”  It’s so simple even a child can do it!  Here’s how Miracle Airugo works…
     The secret is that AIRUGO is actually – now this is the unbelievable part – AIRUGO is three words in one!  That’s right, you get three words for the price of one!  If we break it down under our Johnson Farms electron magnifying glass, you can actually see the words… “there you go!”  AND WE HAVE COMBINED THEM INTO A ONE WORD POWERFUL MOTIVATOR!  So I know what you’re thinking…how come you’re lettin’ us buy this? How come you’re not selling this to Amazon or Microsoft?”
It’s ‘cause I just like you, gosh darn it.  Once in your life, I just want you to have something real nice that you can show your friends and be proud of.  Isn’t it about time you started doin’ something for yourself?  Of course it is.  But wait there’s more…
     Miracle AIRUGO can be used in any part of the U. S. regardless of where you live or what accent you have.  North, South, Northwest, Southeast – doesn’t matter.  And for those of you into team sports, this amazing product also comes in plural form – like when your team wins, you stand up and yell, “AirWEgo!”  AIRWEGO comes with an additional feature guaranteed to increase your popularity.  We call it the “stretched out version…” as in “AIRWEGOOOOO!”  Sports fans in the South may also want to order the “Southern Plural” version - “AIRYA’LLGO!”
     So dear friends, we all hate long commercials – let’s get to the point.  How much does all this cost?  Well, here’s the good part.  You can begin using Miracle AIRUGO right now – I’m talking today and I’m talking this minute - in the comfort of your own home, office, or sporting event.  (Notice how many people are already using “AIRUGO” all around you.  Do you really want to continue being like you’ve always been…behind the technology curve?)  Just try it for thirty days and if you are not satisfied, who’s been harmed here?  You’ve sent no money so there’s no need for a refund!  And everyone who has ever dealt with Johnson Farms knows we are famous for not giving refunds - BUT…
If you find, after using Miracle AIRUGO for thirty days, that your spouse, child, grandma, horses and working stock dogs (yes, it is pet friendly – works on them too) are doing better and like you more, just send along a personal check for $19.95 to Johnson Farms (address on website).  And that’s it.  That’s all.  Not $1000.  Not $500.  Just the amazingly low price of $19.95.  For that incredible bargain, you will receive a framed picture of the word “AIRUGO” for hanging in your home or office.
     At this point, my wife says, “Honey, you better not do that.  Someone might really order it.” 
     I says, “Do you think I’m kidding about all this?  Hey, the truly amazing thing about Miracle AIRUGO is…it really works!” 

                                                                                       -- Michael Johnson


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